Don’t get married – it’s too hard!!

The most fascinating thing about relationships – each one is different!

Each one requires different inputs and outputs because guess what…you are unique.

We believe communication is a common thread that would sew healthy relationships for all. Given each relationship is different, this is our experience as a newlywed couple.

We’re setting out today to bust some common newlywed myths.

Myth 1: Don’t get married – it’s too hard!!

Reality: Build a foundation in your relationship. Communicate. Learn to disagree well and remember you’re always on the same team.

We’re less than 1 year into marriage, but have been together for 7 years. We believe dating for so long allowed us to build a strong foundation (communication, living together, values, life desires) and many years of practice as we navigated our new adult lives.

Speaking as newlyweds, we feel no difference in difficulty.

What we do notice is more of a desire to step back and evaluate the situation / disagreement as a whole to align on the solution for both of us. It’s like a suspension of initial reactions and removal of the minutiae that comes with disagreement (i.e. you said x…no I said y).

If we didn’t have the long dating history, we could have boiled it down to marriage being hard, but we worked out the kinks before we got to this point.

We recently added a puppy to our family and have noticed how much more communication is required as a result. We consider this practice for the many unknown situations we’ll encounter as parents.

Myth 2: Once you’re married, you don’t have to continue to build the relationship

Reality: Relationships are living breathing things that grow as we grow.

What the craziest to me is how it seems we need to grow individually to not lose the sense of self, but also grow the relationship to have common interests and a common viewpoint on life.

It’s also crazy how easy it is to slide into a rut.

I had a long day of work and just want to relax. Or didn’t get everything done for work so gonna keep working into the night. Date night is too expensive so let’s just watch a movie (guilty).

Scheduling date night weekly (and having it recurring on the calendar) is an easy way to keep the relationship spicy. This has been the biggest game changer for our relationship.

If I’m being honest, I’d like to improve here though by implementing more surprises and fun events into our lives. We’ve begun to do date night mostly at restaurants and want to explore more of the town.

Myth 3: You should try to change your partner into what you want

false.

Reality: Trying to change your partner will lead to resentment. Grow in your own ways and support the change.

Melissa is the emotion in our relationship and Ryan is the logic.

Striking a balance between emotion and logic is difficult. How do you accept the emotion and feel it, but also not dismiss it too quickly with logic? How do you avoid critiquing every move of your partner when your brain is thinking through a series of logical steps?

Learning to accept our natural tendencies and grow together with them is integral to relationship longevity.

Myth 4: You’ll feel different after you get married

Reality: The only different feeling after marriage is a deeper sense of acceptance and vulnerability.

Both of which are liberating feelings.

Acceptance

Before marriage, it feels like you’re still in the “trial phase”. How do we live together? How do we approach situations together? If something doesn’t align to your values, you still have an easier out.

In other words, the back door is open just in case.

After getting married, the back door is closed, locked, and reinforced with concrete. There is a deep acceptance of everything that comes with us as individuals and no more evaluation of in or out.

Vulnerability

As a man, vulnerability has historically felt frowned upon. Men are tough.

My favorite part about marriage is the feeling of vulnerability I have with Melissa. There is a deeper sense of connection. Like no matter what goes on in our lives I want to maintain this relationship forever.

It feels like this emotion has spilled over into more than just our relationship too. It’s become one of our core values as a family.

Myth 5: Marriage will fulfill you

Reality: Your relationship can’t be the source of fulfillment in your life. You need to find fulfillment elsewhere to blossom a healthy marriage.

The Mastery of Love is the perfect book for finding fulfillment outside of your relationship. Finding it within yourself.

The relationship can be a fulfillment enhancer, but not the source of fulfillment. As we always say:

“You’ll never be happy with someone else if you can’t be happy by yourself.”

Don’t look to your marriage as your source of happiness.

Myth 6: Marriage will save your relationship

Reality: A title isn’t going to change the condition of your relationship. Remove the thought of perfection. Humans argue and it’s okay. Learn how to have healthy disagreements.

This includes us. We disagree and sometimes use tones that instigate further.

But we’ve created an environment where it’s encouraged to speak your mind, to let the other know when we’re using elevated tones, and to listen to each others perspective.

After all that, we sometimes still don’t see eye to eye. Then we agree to disagree and move on.

The root of the disagreements is love, compassion, and a reminder that we’re on the same team.

We always want whats best for each other and our relationship and operating from that perspective allows the lens to disagree in a healthy way.

The first year as newlyweds has been one of the best years of our lives.

It’s been a whirlwind too. Ryan quit his job and started a business. We moved across the country to Tennessee. We got a puppy. We bought a house.

We’re thankful to not be held back by these newlywed myths. Let us know which myth is holding you back the most!

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